A is for Alcoholism.

And also for Aimee. And for Amalie, a very sweet nickname someone bestowed on me a few weeks ago. And i haven't even seen the movie.

Anyway, to start: Yes. The women in our family drink. A lot. Alcoholism runs in our ranks, and a mighty appreciation for the cocktail is held by some of us ladies. So, it started me athinkin why. Here's sumthin i've come upon: the women in our family, we're a motley crew of dissonante root factors. From our Roman Catholic gender-based discrimination and demands of self-doubt to our Lithuanian matriarchical reality hiding behind its grossly overt flaunted patriarchy, our religious lessons in sexual repression and shame to the constructivist discovery- based approaches to learning we were encouraged to embrace. We're pulled in many directions emotionally and spiritually. And, being raised staunchly Catholic within a staunchly Catholic middle-class sexist larger family, we were told to feel the guilt and the constraints of the religion's lessons always. We learned early on that we needed to conform to Catholicism's paradigms and social standards -- many of which we don't agree with or adhere to and hardly wish to aspire to -- to be a member of the family in good standing. In doing so, we've had to bely a lot of our true selves. And suppress a lot of our true selves. Conflict, conflict, conflict. Learned very young.

Also, as part of a matriarchial group who have to pull our own weight to not succumb to falling short of what we know to be our potential among other things, some of the women in our family are a worried bunch. Fixatedly worried, from time to time. Yeah, some more than others, but i think each of us has our control demons that are hard to avoid consumption by on occasion. From great aunts and grandmothers down to us, there's a definite worry gene in our lineage, and i think it's somehow linked to control. also, i think that genetic and, to a larger extent, environmental drilled-in factors keep us from being able to roll with things too naturally, or be anywhere near open to having "faith in the universe to take care of us." i think that drinking helps make up for some of what we lack in being able to do so, in not being able to "let go" and be open and believe that everything will work out ok on its own. i think that drinking quiets some of the voices that we have that cause unhealthy guilt and preoccupation and fear and timidity -- some of the same forces that keep us from being able to really take care of ourselves, which we have been charged with doing. i think that drinking helps lets us let go of control and joyfully say "whateva!" in ways that we can't otherwise. i think that the guard we keep on the fucked up social lessons and constraints and obligations that we have learned are more easily challenged when we drink, for some reason. This challenge is needed. And i know we each have other things we do individually to provide a similar challenge to the limits of our learned social order, and our lack of trust in things working out. However, drinking is a quickie. And an effect-ie. Don't get me wrong -- im not advocating or sayin its the best. But i am trying to figure it out. And i've realized that it works on some very definite levels where work is needed.

Just a few rough thoughts. Will expand on some of em lata. Whatta people think, huh?

xo
eli (my given nickname du jour.)